Teaching Kids Without Shame
"Shame on you!" That's what I want to say every time my kids do something I find embarrassing, hurtful, or disappointing. Those three words are something I heard my Grandma Berta say (to kids and dogs!) and it's incredibly tempting for me to repeat them when I'm frustrated.
How else should I express disapproval? Isn't Grandma's approach valid?
While Grandma's style was certainly common, it's probably not the best thing to emulate. In fact, whenever I'm tempted to shame my kids, I am haunted by the research of Brene Brown. I swear my parenting has been impacted by her incredible TED talks (Part One and Two). In those talks, Ms. Brown describes how shame negatively impacts people's ability to be vulnerable and without vulnerability, people aren't innovative, creative, or courageous.
Those strike me as pretty severe consequences to saddle a child with, so I don't want to knee jerk into shame mode when my kids are rebellious.
But what else is there? I mean, if you want to get a reaction in a hurry, make your kids ashamed and "presto," reaction guaranteed. In fact, if you take a picture of shaming your kids and put it on Facebook, the photo might even go viral. Of course, you might also end up with some hefty therapy bills, or, worse yet, a permanently broken relationship with your kid.
Shame is a wide path, and very tempting to take because, for the person in power, it's very effective. And yet, there has to be another way.
My husband Billy and I spend a good bit of time talking about the alternative approach, especially as our kids approach their teens. We are committed to pulling issues when they're little weeds, to speaking encouragement into their lives, to having goals AND adventures, saying yes often, and trying to mitigate the faults they will inevitably get from us.
Some days, however, we're just happy that we've made it to the bus stop. On those days, we approach parenting out of sheer discipline and circle back to three over-arching family principles:
We Talk About Everything
You're not getting away from us. We are going to talk your ear off. Lego building, dog walking, swimming, doing the dishes - it's a constant chatter. Dinner time, car rides, craft time - these are perfect moments for bringing up new topics and digging deeper. If you're feeling silly, angry, frustrated, happy, sad, tired, annoyed - whatever - nothing is off limits. We are going to ask ,"why?" and "what were you thinking about?" and "what's your opinion?"
We are relentlessly digging for thoughts and insights, so buckle up!
We Are In Each Other's Business
We routinely tell our kids that we don't keep secrets. We don't promise to "not tell Dad" (or Mom) because secrets are dangerous. Secrets imply you will be rejected if you talk about something. Unless you're shopping for a gift or planning a fun surprise, we are going to be asking questions and looking for answers. We want to know what's going on in each other's lives and that means paying attention to moods, asking questions, and waiting patiently for answers.
Quality time is only going to happen with quantity time, so our kids expect us to say no to lots of good things in order to stay in the flow of each other's day. There is a constant pull to divide, but Team Phenix is embraced, in part, because we want to squeeze out the opportunity for secrets.
We Promise Forgiveness
When Billy puts the kids to bed he routinely asks our kids a series of questions:
"Why do I love you?" he asks. The answer is now well established, and the kids reply, "Just because you do." "Is there anything you could do to make me stop loving you?" "No. Not anything."
Love is a decision and it's something we've committed to give our kids. As part of the love package, they also receive forgiveness. We are, after all, forgiven, so we need to communicate that love and forgiveness go together.
These are our foundations. But how does this play out practically? With a real conflict?
I'm glad you asked, since tomorrow's post goes over a play-by-play example!
Until then, spend some time listening to Brene's talks. They are more than worth your time.