You may be the problem with your kid's behavior
When the kids were small enough to ride in a shopping cart, the family went to Costco to buy oatmeal and paper-towels in bulk (why else do you go?). My daughter was riding in my cart when she spied one of those gargantuan swing set/jungle gym contraptions on display and decided she wanted one.
She wouldn't give me a moment of peace:
"Can I play on that?" "Can we/you buy that, Mom?" "When can I climb up there and swing?" "Don't you want to get that swing set?" "Can I go on that slide??"
She was relentless.
I brushed her off for aisles, focusing instead on how many generations of our family would enjoy the two-gallon container of ranch dressing in my cart. However, every SINGLE time we circled back to the main aisle, she'd start in again with her swing set pleas.
Finally I decided that I had to shut her down. I barked:
"No! You can NOT play on or have that swing set!"
But I wasn't done.
I wanted to end the harassment for good, so I put on my negotiation hat (I am, after all, a trained "professional" negotiator) and let her have my concise and logical counter arguments. I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and starting with “A” said...
"A - That play set is 20 feet in the air and is for display purposes only! B - We've got nowhere to put something that large in our backyard even if we did want it! AND… C - The set costs $2000 and we don't have money like that to spend on a play set."
She sat mouth agape in stunned silence.
Boom! Drop mic. I win.
My daughter is apparently a quick study, because a few beats later she took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and starting with “A” said…
"A - I STILL think I could climb up there. B - We could put it in the FRONT yard, AND C - I really, REALLY want it."
Point. Counterpoint.
Now my mouth was agape.
Meanwhile Billy, standing behind the cart, gave me a silent smirk which said, “Those aren’t my genes speaking!"
Over the years I’ve recalled this exchange often. What bothers me most is clearly seeing myself in my daughter's faults. After all, my daughter didn’t come out of the womb arguing in outline format.
I gave her that skill.
She isn’t bent toward being temperamental and hotheaded when she doesn't get her way because Billy’s that way; that’s all me.
I’ll spare you a list of my other shortcomings, but trust me, they are frequently displayed by both kids.
My children often act as little mirrors reflecting me back to me. Sure, they have their own amusing quirks and personalities, but the tension surfaces when their flaws are MY flaws.
Some days I don’t like looking in the mirror.
Much of the time I want to do the emotional equivalent of throwing on a baseball cap and spending the day in sweats.
However, if I really want to grow, I shouldn't argue with what I see reflected back to me (by my kids, those I lead, or ANYONE I influence), but rather do the necessary work to “clean up” and make myself presentable to the world. After all, I don’t get angry about the bathroom mirror in the morning, no matter HOW unkempt the reflection. I spend whatever time is necessary to make myself presentable.
Do you ever think about what your child's behavior tells you about yourself? Do you think through if there’s any work that should start with YOU?
Feel free to argue your point in a list... "Point A, Point B, Point C..."
I respond well to that approach.