How to stop dwelling on criticism
"You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one." Coach John Wooden
Have you ever had a performance evaluation? If you've worked in a company large enough to have a Human Resource department, you certainly know this Corporate America ritual.
It's the one of the least appealing aspects of business life.
In fact, performance evaluations are so painful, half of all entrepreneurs say avoiding the "performance review" process is the number one reason for starting their own company! (Of course, I made that statistic up, but STILL, it could be true...)
Usually the review process involves writing up your accomplishments and then having your manager comment on whether or not you self-assessment is accurate. At this point, especially if your manager is conflict averse, he will slip in a zinger about some "opportunity" for improvement. If you're "lucky" the manager gives you a "feedback sandwich." The sandwich technique is where negative feedback is given between two positive statements. I always imagine the sandwich sounds like this:
"Good job on that email; you used perfect punctuation. The idea was lousy, but I really liked your font choice."
Mmmm. Tasty!
I don't know about you, but it takes WAY more than two slices of compliments for the zinger in the middle to go down easily. I can't recall any specific positive feedback from my 25 years of reviews, but there are some negative inputs that I can quote word for word.
Why is that? Why does criticism have a tendency to dig deep into the psyche and fester? Even when I know, intellectually, that feedback is a gift, I dread the input the same way I dread preparing my taxes. Most of the time, there's at least one of four reasons driving criticism angst.
- Emotions - Sad, mad, confused, surprised, hurt; the emotional roller coaster of hearing criticism is long and twisty.
- Insecurity - Criticism always hits the soft spots.
- Fear - The land of "what" and "if." What if I can't do better? What if you fire me? What if ____ (fill in the blank to discover your fear!)
- Perspective - When the criticism lands, keeping an eye on everything (ANYthing) positive is next to impossible.
We all feel the tension whether we work in an office environment, volunteer at a school, or cook for a neighborhood potluck. But what can we do to short-circuit the madness? The people I see handling feedback best seem to streamline their response to criticism and quickly find a way to move beyond the negative.
This is what I see.
Acknowledge
First and foremost, people who handle criticism well accept the input without letting emotions get in the way. By keeping their anger or disappointment in check, they acknowledge the words of the person giving the input and quietly take the feedback. This is a strategic decision that both gives them time to absorb the blow AND encourages the speaker's candor.
Process
People who handle criticism well process the negative with a "safe" audience. "Safe" doesn't mean speaking to someone who is uncritical, but rather with someone who knows how to gently nudge you toward accepting the feedback. After acknowledging the input, don't ignore, dismiss, or otherwise stuff the feedback. Instead make friends with the insight. Take out the issue and examine it from the other person's perspective.
Adjust
Even the most "unfair" criticisms have useful information in them. As a result, it's always appropriate to ask "how should I respond?" People who navigate these waters well learn what changes they need to make; they understand growth is a process that begins by adapting to new inputs.
Move on
The final step is to move past the input and get back in the game. The best learn from the negative. They dig deep and acknowledge the problem, process the feedback, adjust their behavior, then get moving again.
The best way to deal with criticism is to get through these steps as efficiently as possible.
Criticism needn't be debilitating (or even as bad as tax day).