What To Do With Life's Messes

"Excuse the mess, but we live here." Rosanne Barr

Have you ever known someone who disappears whenever someone in their life has a crisis?

I have one friend, let's call her "Debbie," who is notorious for such behavior. The people around Debbie have come to expect her disappearance act and most of the time give her license to plug in and out of their lives as she feels comfortable. What Debbie's friends understand about her is she can't handle messes.

Debbie sees something awkward or uncomfortable and she retreats like a turtle into its shell. She disappears until life has calmed down.

Some people can't stand to be Debbie's friend because her behavior feels, at least, inconsiderate, and, at worst, like betrayal. The last time I watched her turtle reaction, the only feeling I could muster was sadness. The most important thing about my friend's fear of messes is not what it does to her friendships, but what it does to her; it stunts her growth.

I can identify the unhealthy aspects of Debbie's retreat easily; by never facing her challenges, she never progresses toward long-term solutions. By refusing to untangle conflicts and misunderstandings, she lives in a permanent state of denial. In the classic book, The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck argues avoiding conflicts and problems makes our lives more painful, not less. When we avoid, we develop neuroses, dependencies, and lose the ability to enjoy life.

I see this in Debbie.

However, avoidance tendencies are less easy to spot in one's own mirror. Who DOESN'T avoid unpleasantness at least some of the time?  Who DOESN'T want to look away when they feel uncomfortable or afraid?  How easy to make an excuse for yourself and rationalize, "I only avoid confrontation when absolutely necessary."  (Denial also isn't visible in the mirror!)

And yet, most of the time, the healthiest response to life's messes is to ENGAGE.

The best thing to do is to deal with the brutal truth of whatever the circumstance may hold; to own one's role in the problem, to have the tough, necessary conversations, to deal with the pain as it comes. Pain isn't an enemy - it's a fact of life and an opportunity for growth.

As I walk into the new week, I want to stay engaged, no matter what.

How about you?