The Comparison Game
In my office building is a woman who is about my age and is the consummate fashion plate. She's always sporting the best shoes (a Tory Burch wedge with peep toes is my current favorite), a hip bag, and perfectly tasteful jewelry. She has an air of self assurance that I appreciate and a fashion sense that consistently makes me think "Wow." It seems as if every time I share an elevator with her, I am sporting a few tea dribbles down the front of my shirt, wearing a busted heel (I blame my missing toe), and holding a tired, fraying Target bag.
In short, I feel like a frump when I stand next to her.
How can a person whom I'm around for just 30 seconds bring up this feeling in me? What is it about her that sparks that? Or what is it in me that makes me feel that way about her? Why am I secretly hoping one day to find a hole in the back of her sweater or see her with a stain down the front of her shirt? How does her "togetherness" in any way, shape, or form diminish me?
In a moment of clarity, I can see that this train of thought comes whenever I play the comparison game; in this instance with Ms. Fashion and in lots of settings in my life.
I frequently play this game in a business context when I beat myself up over not being able to "run numbers" in my head as well as some of my co-workers. I can catch myself comparing my kids to others in a strange competition about academics, behavior, or sports. ( As an FYI, and speaking of athletic competition, remember me writing about the anticipation of Field Day last week? Yeah, well my sweet child threw up in the gym which killed the ribbon for "top athlete.") Oddly, I even make comparisons with my dog (who still jumps on visitors and sniffs where cold noses shouldn't go!). All in all, I find that the comparison game is a terribly destructive habit that leaves me with a less-than-desirable attitude.
Through it all, I've found this to be true:
In the comparison game, someone always wins and someone always loses. There are no ties.
This game is the ultimate lose-lose because even "winning" is destructive. If you play the game from a position of strength you may "win" the comparison, but your prize is an inflated ego and false pride. However, if you play the game from a position of weakness and "lose," then you get "The Booby Prize" of insecurity and, in many cases, fear.
In fact, the only way you ultimately "win" is to opt out of the game entirely. Opting out requires changing directions and choosing a new approach that is not only counter-intuitive, but also counter-cultural. Here it is:
Instead of comparing yourself TO others, choose to celebrate the wins OF others.
Odd and easier to say than do, I know, but hang with me. Changing the game from comparison to celebration feels radical, but it's worth it. Celebration is a change in direction. Think of it like a line moving from left to right, hitting a pivot point and making a quick turn heading up. That is the kind of pivot that is needed to change games.
Let me give you some specific ideas of pivot points that turn the toxicity of comparison to the benefit of celebration:
- When someone's input about a work project is stronger than yours and you feel competitive - PIVOT - praise that person and their insights and use their ideas as a jumping off point for the project's next steps.
- When someone's child is a brilliant student or athlete (or BOTH) and you want to either tear yours (or theirs) down with criticism - PIVOT - and compliment the parents or child for the achievement.
- When your neighbor constantly whines and complains to or about you - PIVOT - thank him for his insight and ask him for ideas on how to solve the problem.
- When someone succeeds and you resent them or they fail and you privately celebrate - PIVOT - and draw close to them to celebrate their success or help them after their failure.
- When you walk onto an elevator with a "familiar stranger" who, yet again, looks like a million bucks and makes you want to throw away your wardrobe - PIVOT - tell her how much you admire her taste in clothes and how great she looks.
- When you sit in a meeting where someone is struggling to get the crowd's attention and energy - PIVOT - be the person to engage in the conversation and insert life into the discussion.
Whether you realize it or not, by making a different choice in these situations, not only will YOU feel better, you have the potential to make someone's day.
These type of pivots are made by people with exceptional attitudes. They don't celebrate others failures or step on people to elevate themselves.
That's how I want to roll.
In a practical sense, that means that celebration must always beat comparison, in the big and small the arenas of life.
Trust me. It will make all of your elevator rides, field days, and life a LOT more enjoyable!