6 Newlywed Principles: The Best Kind of Work

Ben Affleck's 2013 speech at the Oscars has caused a stir because he thanked his wife, Jennifer Garner, for “working on our marriage for 10 Christmases,” saying, “It is work, but it’s the best kind of work.” Apparently transparency, at least about marriage, isn't "appropriate" in a speech where you are thanking your wife. Some find it to be too "negative." I read the criticisms with my mouth agape and my head shaking ever so slightly.

What do people think marriage involves if it doesn't involve work? How is acknowledging and being grateful for the effort EVER a bad thing?

Billy and I spend half of our Monday evenings with a small group of newlyweds with the intention of working on our respective marriages.  We feel it's a privilege to lead the conversation around ideas and principles that will, hopefully, make the marriage "the best kind of work."  Our time together lasts 18-24 months, so we cover a lot of ground, but there are at least 6 broad principles that color every conversation.

1. Be intentional

Your marriage is a living, breathing thing; complete with its own environment and micro-climate.  However, unlike the weather, YOU are in charge of the forecast.  If you want sunny skies, you need to work on bringing your best to the relationship.  That means deciding IN ADVANCE to invest in your spouse (date nights and getaways!), to believe the best, and to work on your marriage.

You set goals at the office, you have financial strategies, in the same way you need to make strategic decisions on how to invest in your marriage.

2. Get radical

The world around you is full of opportunity and is generally not a great climate for newlyweds.  There are too many distractions and diversions competing for your time.  During your first year of marriage make radical decisions on your behavior.  Commit to doing something wildly different than "normal" in order to invest in your marriage.  For some of you that means not having a television for a year.  (You can survive!) For others you may need to swim upstream with your schedule and say "no" to invitations.  Maybe this is the year you skip the girls trip or the guys getaway.  Sure, you'll take heat for these decisions.

People will look at you like you're strange.  Radical behavior makes people feel uncomfortable.  Give it a try!

3. Manage your expectations

Remember you're new at being married.  And guess what... your spouse is new at being married too!  You will have bumps, misunderstanding, and conflicts.  There are, after all, TWO of you who are novices.  Don't let trips and falls discourage you.  Instead, EXPECT to have disconnects and make a plan for how to reconnect.  If I could give newlyweds one thing, it would be resilience and durability. (OK - that's two things!)

There's enormous power in expectations and when you EXPECT to work through issues, you're less likely to have disagreements become discouraging.

4. Spend time with couples who do "marriage" well

Community is important. You don't need to find people with a "perfect" marriage, but with a "working and happy" one. When you find those people, ask them to mentor you.  Take them out for coffee, buy them dinner, pick their brain.  No two's path are the same, but the principles on how to cope with challenges, disappointments, and joys are more transferable than you can imagine.  If anyone is giving you marriage advice who DOES NOT have a fulfilling marriage, proceed with caution.

If you need inspiration, check out this post on my parent's marriage (here) and my in laws (here).

5. Practice the basics

Thriving marriages don't leave the basics to chance. When couples consistently close gaps physically, when they practice healthy communication, and when they align their priorities (spiritual, emotional, financial), then they move out of their home and into the world in strength. When any of these "basics" are faltering at home, then no matter how strong the individual, they move out into the world weakened.

Strong marriages pay attention to "the fundamentals" and practice regardless of whether they are newlyweds or oldyweds!

6.  Guard your tongue

Chose your words carefully. Decide to ALWAYS show respect. Use loving words even when you don't feel like it. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and always, always be slow to become angry. Find ways to brag on your spouse (especially behind their back!) and resist the urge to complain.

And if your spouse thanks you for working on your marriage in front of a billion people, accept the comment as high praise indeed!